[Warning: If you can’t handle things related to suicide. Then, I wouldn’t recommend reading ahead :)]
Zale gave me a quick run through of how to use the device before me, which I believe he had named, Memory Mirage, which seemed to be quite a fitting name for it considering how one would use it.
Basically, I had to put my head in the purple liquid, and to activate its effects, it needed to come in contact with Aether.
As I prepared myself for it, I couldn’t help but be extremely fearful of what might happen if I were to put my head in there. There were some memories that I had managed to completely forget, which I didn’t want to relive…like how I had tried to kill myself in my first life.
That was not something I wanted to relive for anything in the world.
However, Zale’s voice brought me out of my stupor.
“Are you ready?”
I opened my mouth, but no words came out of it as I just didn’t know what to say.
“I-”
If I did this, then there was a good chance that I wouldn’t be able to able to face my students for quite some time because I would be on edge, and way too sensible to their words. My memories were no joke, my past also wasn’t.
It was probably because I had become the way I was.
Always smiling through the pain I felt. Hiding what I was truly feeling to those around me, making sure that none of them would ever have to worry about me.
Those things were very far from being healthy, but I felt like they were fitting for the situation.
Still, I knew that if I continued to overthink it, then there was a chance that I would back down, which wasn’t what I wanted to do. I needed to clear my mind of this hatred and those hidden emotions inside me.
Ava had managed to somewhat break down that barrier around me, but it was still far from enough.
I didn’t know the extent of Zero’s power as a Son of the Demon King, but what Zale said about one of his abilities to use my negative emotions to strengthen himself was real. Then, I could potentially be in a lot of trouble if I showed my anger to him.
“I’m ready,” I finally muttered as I clenched both my fists and tightly held onto the edge of the Memory Mirage, preparing myself to enter my head inside the purple liquid.
“Alright, good luck in there. And try not to lose yourself by reliving your memories. It’s important that you keep a clear mind through everything that might happen in there.”
I nodded as I took one last deep breath to give me the courage to do what I was about to do.
‘Come on, Caedrel. You can do it. Nothing bad will happen.’
With this thought, I finally thrust my head into the Memory Mirage, closing my eyes and slowly sipping through a quantity of Aether into the device.
In an instant, the dull purple liquid suddenly lightened up, blinding me even if I had my eyes closed at the moment. The next moment, I regained my vision, and I was in a completely different environment. A place which I had forgotten for quite some time now.
I tried to take control of my body, but it seemed that I could not. I could only watch myself perform everything that I had once done. I couldn’t affect what I was currently watching. I was currently in the third point of view, looking at myself walking around in the middle of this large bridge all alone.
I remembered this very well. I had run away from alone for many different reasons; I ran until I couldn’t feel my legs anymore, crying my heart out with each step until I finally reached this bridge.
It had been one of the darkest periods of my life.
“W-Why can’t they love each other…and why am I the only one suffering in this family…why am I the only one getting beaten up every chance they get?” The past me muttered as tears fell out of his eyes.
As much as I missed my parents now, I couldn’t help but admit that they had been terrible people to myself and to those around me. It was a good thing that I had been an only child. Otherwise, they would have beaten him up, too.
“I’m tired of this…” The past me muttered under his breath as he turned to his right toward the void, looking down. “Should I put an end to this?”
This was a thought that I had often had in the past.
Killing myself.
I thought killing myself would make things better for my parents. I thought I was the cause of why they kept fighting and being violent each passing day. Telling me that I was a failure, that I was useless, that I was the one who had ruined their lives.
Imagine saying words like that to a ten-year-old. Can’t you imagine what it would do to them mentally?
That’s why those suicidal thoughts of mine surfaced when I was younger.
“Maybe it would just be better for everyone if I died…maybe my parents would finally become happy that I was gone,” the past me continued to mutter as he looked down.
With those words, I saw my younger self climbing against the guardrail with small and flimsy muscles, getting right on top of it, looking down, still hesitating about my next decision. However, looking back at my actions, I couldn’t help but think that I was just an ignorant fool who ignored everything about the world that surrounded him.
My parents didn’t think that I was the reason for all misfortunes. It was just much easier to say things like that to a ten year old child, then to face your own problems on your own.
At the time, I was just a troubled child, nothing more, nothing less.
‘I shouldn’t have thought about giving up when I was younger. I should have been stronger than that,’ I thought to myself, still looking at my younger self.
However, just as the scene was about to continue, I could not longer see, and when I could, I was thrown into another memory of mine. This time it was a memory of the younger Caedrel Stuart, who had recently been sent to the battlefield.
